I don’t know if I had mentioned it or not, but I returned to Iran for a small vacation, which of course didn’t end up as small as I expected. I arrived exactly two weeks ago. At this point, I think I had to write a lot more blog posts about it. It’s hard to cover all of my experiences and emotions in this post, but let’s give it a shot.
The first interesting emotion for me was right after my arrival. I arrived right at noon. I could hear the sound of Adhan playing at the airport. It was a long time since the last time I had heard it. By hearing it, I remembered all of my past unpleasant emotions. Let’s not talk about it. :)) Right after it, I saw some police officers chasing after some men trading dollars illegally at the airport. And right after it, I was in a car driving through the deserts to get to Tehran in that very hot temperature. I think it was ~40 degrees. It was fun to imagine I was in a train going through all those jungles and green lands just 24 hours ago. All of these together caused me to feel regretful about my return from that very first moments.
After I arrived home, there were only my dad and sister. It also felt strange that my mom wasn’t home. But not a big deal. She was going to get back in the evening anyway. A few hours after my arrival, I went to my friend’s goodbye party and surprised my other friends. None of them knew I was getting back. It felt good. XD
Just like before I go to Germany, I couldn’t smoke cigarettes in our home and because of that, I spent very few time in there. I wish I could peacefully agree with my dad and mom on me being a smoker and start to smoke at home. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. It makes me feel so weak. It’s like I’m doing an illegal thing and have to hide it from them, even though I’m almost 25. I’m a fucking grown up and have my own independent life in a foreign country, but still I’m not allowed to smoke in presence of my mom and dad. That’s so absurd, specially when I consider my father and uncles do it without any feeling of shame. That’s even worse when I see I don’t feel confident enough to set my Telegram’s profile picture to photos of me with my girl friends or with a cigarette. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t care about me becoming a different person than what my family expects/likes, even if it makes them sad. Maybe I should care. I don’t know. But I think it’s a burden on me, and I can be a happier person without this burden. I’ll think about it more in the future, maybe I’ll even talk to my brother about it. Let’s move on from this topic.
Another problem that occurred to me is that I wasn’t sure how long I’m going to stay in here. So, I didn’t buy a return ticket. After staying here for a week, I decided to finally buy the return ticket, but the earliest affordable ticket I could find was in two weeks and I had to stay for three weeks. But I was already bored. So, today’s lesson is that I have to buy return tickets ASAP and also there’s no point in a vacation longer than one week. Even the most delightful ones will get boring after a week. And maybe not. Who am I to generalize? Let’s move on from this topic too.
As a small note, I have to say I missed my life in Germany very soon, maybe even before my arrival. It was like I had suspended my real life in there for a period of time, but I was so excited to see what’s going to happen in its next episodes.
When I had gone to Germany, I used to dream of Iran and my friends a lot, almost every night. I thought “well… it makes sense because that was my HOME”! But something that surprised me is that after I returned to Iran, I started to see dreams of my life in Germany, just like I dreamed of Iran in my first days in Germany. It was really interesting for me. I can interpret it in two different ways: First, I was wrong that I can never see Germany/Saarbrücken as my home. Second, the reason behind my dreams about Iran wasn’t that it was my home. (Home as a solid irreplaceable concept) It was just because I had spent most of my life in there. Looking at those dreams in this way, helps me to deal with the hard feelings of being homeless much easier. I hope I can deliver my point well. I can’t even describe my real feeling in Persian language. =)
Enough for now! I’m going to end this post at this point. I think I covered most of my important feelings by now. There are some remaining topics to write about, but I don’t have time for them right now. So, I’ll hopefully write about them in the near future.