Hmmm the contest didn’t go as well as I expected. We ranked 15th. I expected to be in the top 10 teams. But there was a problem that almost every other team solved and we didn’t. That was very shameful. We still don’t know if we have a place in the European Championship or not. I wish they let us participate. I like to visit Porto.
Well, I’m so tired. Why am I so? Maybe because I drank a looot of coffee during the contest and that usually makes me feel tired? Is it because I didn’t like the outcome of the contest and feel sad about that? Or is it because I didn’t talk to many people that looked interesting?
Although I didn’t care about this competition, I still feel bad after seeing the results. I know I hadn’t practiced enough. I know that it wasn’t my priority. I know all of these facts. Logically, I shouldn’t be sad about the outcome. But competitiveness is so hard-coded in my mind that I can’t tolerate seeing myself in this situation. I can’t tolerate being surrounded by people that have performed better than me in the contest. That’s strange! Would I’ve normally felt like this? Or is it just because I was tired?
I think all of these were because I was tired. It’s my regular sadness/tiredness positive feedback loop. First, I’m a little bit tired. Then, I can’t handle a situation well because I’m tired and it makes me disappointed. I get sadder and more tired. Because I’m tired, I can’t control my negative thoughts and get sunk in them. While being surrounded by these thoughts, I get more tired and sad that can’t make any actions and feel disconnected from my surrounding reality. This positive feedback loop continues until making me totally depressed.
I think the root cause is pretty clear to me. How should I avoid that though? The first thing that comes to my mind is to take my self-care routine more seriously. In the first place, I shouldn’t let myself get tired during the day at all. How? By getting enough sleep. I had a sleep deficiency all the time during the trip. I’ll fix my routine in this week. Let’s see what happens next!