Ah this part of my life is really tough. A lot of deadlines, a lot of projects, a lot of everything. While because of all the stress I’m so irritable, something bad happened yesterday. I went to the Ausländerbehörde, which is the organization to manage the immigrants affairs. I had to extend my visa. The officer asked me to open a blocked account and charge it with 12k€. That’s too much. I don’t have that much money. I asked her to accept my work contract as the proof of my financing, but she had no mercy. The sad part was that right before the appointment, I was feeling happy because right from the start of the next semester, I was supposed to have a lot of spare time and money. I dreamed of travelling more, hiking more, focusing on research, etc. After the appointment? I couldn’t even think about such things. Suddenly, I was a poor person that had to save as much money as possible. I was considering cancelling my next trip in order to save more money for the blocked account. I was considering finding a mini job, to earn an extra 500€ per month. I remember I was walking in a supermarket, hating everyone that was shopping there. I was walking in the parking lot, being jealous of all the people that had a car. I was walking in the street and hating all the people, because they were born there and didn’t have to get humiliated by an officer at the immigrants office. I was alone and hating every country in the world, specially Iran, Germany, and even USA. Well… I hadn’t slept much and all of my feelings were of course intensified.
Anyway, I was easily able to find the money without the need to do any hard work, but I’m still carrying parts of those feelings. Is it bad to carry such feelings? I don’t know. What’s bad? But part of me even likes to carry those feelings. It’s like, they’re necessary to shape a future me, whose picture I like at the moment.