I had an exam yesterday. I did well I suppose. I mean, my grade is 64/80, and the maximum grade is 68/80. There is no one with a grade in between, so my rank is 2 in the class. I consider it as an acceptable result. This was the same course I had previously complained about. Most of their problems are vague and confusing. In the exercises, I almost always lost points because of this ambiguity. However, other people were fine. In the middle of the exam, when I noticed the problems are vague again, I was completely disappointed. By generalizing the situation with the exercises, I thought ok, now everyone will full-mark the exam, and I’ll lose a lot of points due to this ambiguity. The latter happened to be correct, since I lost 16 points in the exam, but the former one not. That was heartwarming to see other people having a problem with this ambiguity as well. One thing that really pisses me off, is that the duration of the exam was 90 minutes and some poeple started to leave the exam just after 45 minutes. I knew most of them. Those pigs covered by masks of confidence. I really hate them. Now my grade is better than at least N-1 of them (considering there were N early-leavers). Fuck you. Haha. Dachtest du, dass du cool bist, wenn du die Prüfung so früh verlässt? Nein Digger. Du bist nichts.
But I had an exam toady, which I messed up. It was really bad. I mean, of course, bad according to my standards, not bad in its true meaning. Some people were upset because they got 4. I’m upset because I got 2.3. I expected at most 1.3, because I’m pretty sure most of the people didn’t have a single clue about what the professor says at the lecture, but I had at least some clues. :)) It was an oral exam, and I was the last person. So, after taking it, I started to talk to the professor about my performance. He was like “Yeeeah you were good, but you’re lazy and because of that you didn’t study much. You could do better.” I really didn’t like his judgement. I did not study enough, I agree. I don’t have discipline, that I can accept. But I can’t agree that I’m lazy. That was just because I had a lot to do in these fucking last days. I took an exam right the day before this one. Why does he assume I’m lazy? :))
But he, intentionally or not, triggered one of my insecurities. Now, I want to watch Whiplash for the 100th time and work even harder than before, even with all the tiredness I already have. I just hope I don’t crash. But to be not so emotional, let me have a short moment of critical thinking.
Why did he think I’m lazy? I already know that I’m not lazy. He thought so because he has seen a lot of actions from me that contribute to this judgement. I missed more than half of his lectures because I was sleeping. I arrived so late to some of his lectures, some even just 5 minutes before they end. (Holy shit I really did this! :))))))) That’s embarrasing.) Also, I missed my project session with him because I was sick and had a headache, and didn’t even send an email. So, ok, to be fair, his judgement is not irrational. That’s just the picture projected from me.
Could I do better? Well… Of course in some cases I could be more communicative and tell him hey I have such problem and will miss the meeting today. But in most of the other cases, it was because of my long lasting problem with discipline. The only thing I know from discipline is how to write it. Sad.
By the way, I don’t know why but I suddenly forgot English during the exam. It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t remember the most usual words. I didn’t remember the term “interval analysis” I used “segment analysis” and “range analysis” multiple times instead of its true title. That really projected a picture of a person that has studied the course shallowly. I even wanted to tell him “I’m so embarrassed that I can’t remember the true name of the things”, but I wasn’t even remembering the word “embarrassed” itself. God damn it. I really fucked up. But doesn’t matter. I’ll take the re-exam, study my ass off for it, and take enough sleep beforehand. Also, I’ll try to work my ass off on the project and try to impress him in that part as well. I can’t do anything else, but to hope for the best. Let’s see what happens.
Stay tuned until the next episode.